Telephone
by tediz-leader
Summary: krazifreak's Kittycon universe: parody of Lady Gaga's music video, but more violent and mafia-ish. rated for violence.


This is a birthday present for krazifreak, because she's kickass...

_Because the world needs more twisted TFA fics... especially if they involve adorable kitty/puppy maids... I would like to apologize to krazifreak in advance...

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**Iacon Stockades, Earth time: October 4, 2010 AD (Kittycon Prison)**

Jazz took the girl's arm gently but firmly as he led her down the cells. Sentinel, on the other hand, held onto her shoulder so hard it probably left ugly bruises on her pale, ivory skin. She growled, narrowing her brown eyes into a piercing, hateful glare. The good thing was that her brown, shoulder-length hair was a mess, which made her bangs fall over her eyes. It made a nice 'glare filter' that pretty much made the look in her eyes not as intense. Jazz furrowed his optic ridges in worry at the dog-girl, but Sentinel ignored her, seeing as she had a muzzle on to prevent her from biting, as well as handcuffs to prevent her from lashing out. It wasn't everyday the Autodogs would take one of their own (as in dogs) into the stockades, much less the "Attack Dog" of one of the biggest crime lords this side of Cybertron. As they made their way down the long corridor, many of the Kittycons hissed or jeered at her, mostly due to her being part canine. She paid no mind, instead she listened to the sound of her brand new, ruined Steve Madden heels she had just barely purchased the other day, and the smell of dirt and grass on her torn, dirty maid uniform. Thank Primus the sweatpants she wore underneath were still intact.

"Woo! Incoming~"

"What up, bitch? What you doing in Kittycon turf?"

"Dude, shut up! Dat's Hothead's attack dog!"

"She jus' look like anotha' bitch to me!"

"We're gonna make you swim in your own blood, you crazy bitch!"

"Well, well... look who we got here..." Recognizing the voice, Sandy glanced upwards, meeting optics with Thundercracker, the son of her boss's boss. He gave her a wicked grin as the Autodogs kept pulling her away. She looked away once he started speaking.

"You're not going to survive in here, Attack Bitch... If the guards don't get you... The cats will..." She could hear him growl in anger as Jazz and Sentinel pushed her into her cell.

"You're precious 'Master' isn't here to protect you, pup!" She narrowed her eyes again, letting out a low, dangerous growl escape from her throat. Sentinel bit his lip, thinking over whether he should take off her handcuffs, or her muzzle for that matter.

"Alright, suga'. We gotta keep ya on that muzzle an' the cuffs 'til you don't seem a threat..." The guards left the cell quickly, slamming the cell door and locking it. Something seemed to have snapped in her mind, for once the door clicked shut, she lashed out at them, barking madly and clinging onto the door.

"Dang, Sentinel... they weren't kiddin' when they nicknamed her the 'Attack Dog'..." Sentinel just scoffed.

"Please... she's nothing but a petty criminal who acts tough... as they say, excuse the pun, all bark... no bite..." She growled lowly before speaking to him.

"Why don't you take this fucking muzzle off me and test that theory, deary?" The hallway fell silent. Jazz looked around in confusion, spotting some of the Decepticats curling up into a corner in fear. Others stayed by their cell doors, eager for Sentinel to get his hand bit off by the human girl. Sentinel just glared back at her before turning away.

"Your bail has been posted, Miss Sandy Peloez. If anyone is crazy enough to bail someone like you out, we'll call you..." As she backed away from the door and laid down on her bed, she couldn't help but smile as she heard Thundercracker laugh just like his mother.

About a day later

Sandy leaned against the wall of the small rec area, watching a group at the table playing poker. Other cats began to walk in, mindful of the dog girl. She opened up a pixie stick and ate its contents as she watched two of the Decepticats fight over something trivial. The intercom crackled until a rough, grainy voice began to speak.

"Call for Sandy Peloez. Call for Sandy Peloez..." She pushed herself off the wall, walking over the two kittycons fighting on the ground. She picked up the phone off the receiver and pressed 9.

_Hello, hello, baby;_  
_You called, I can't hear a thing._  
_I have got no service in the club, you see, see Wha-Wha-What did you say?_  
_Oh, you're breaking up on me Sorry, I cannot hear you,_  
_I'm kinda busy._

"Hello, Sandy speaking..."

"Oh wow~ So formal... vhy are you never zhis vell-behaved at home?" She narrowed her eyed before eating another pixie stick.

"Because you're an annoying little bugger, Random..." She heard him cackle on the line, and decided she was gonna need another pixie stick and a can of diet cola.

K-kinda busy K-kinda busy Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy.

"So what did you call me for? I'm not at the grocery store or anything..." She glanced around, seeing that the fight was resolved via a hard kick to the waist, making the mech puke what he had consumed that morning. From the corner of her eye, she could see Cliffjumper watching the area closely. She sighed.

"Is Boss gonna bail me out soon? I'm not very fond of this place... And I need better clothes..."

"No vorries, Sandy. He'll get your bail tomorrow. Just sit tight until zhen. I haf to go now... I'm making dinner today~" She rolled her eyes.

"Thank Primus I ain't over there..."

"...Vhat?"

"Nothing. Love you, buh-bye..." She slammed the phone back on the receiver and walked back over to her spot on the wall, taking a diet coke offered to her by Spittor. After all, she was on a diet...

_Just a second_,  
_it's my favorite song they're gonna play And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh You shoulda made some plans with me,_  
_you knew that I was free._  
_And now you won't stop calling me;_  
_I'm kinda busy_.

"They bailed you out!" She ignored the tone in Thundercracker's voice and continued filing her nails.

"Yes... Yes they did, TC..." He growled, digging his claws into the table they were sitting at.

"Don't call me that... And when are you leaving?"

"In a little bit... I gotta go get ready and wear this stupid outfit Boss got me. He said it's my 'punishment.'" She examined her nails, making sure they were all the perfect size. She smiled before dusting them off on her sweatpants. The seeker stared at the table, angry that some lowlife like her was bailed out before he was. She felt his anger seep out of him, so she dared not say anything.

_Stop callin', stop callin',_  
_I don't wanna think anymore!_  
_I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor._  
_Stop callin', stop callin',_  
_I don't wanna talk anymore!_  
_I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor._

"Dang girly! Why you leaving so soon?" Sandy chose to look down at the floor again as Jazz and Cliffjumper escorted her out of the cellblock. Her brand new Vera Wang heels (courtesy of her boss) echoed with every step she took. She narrowed her eyes in irritation as she looked down at the outfit her boss had chosen for her.

_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh Stop telephonin' me!_  
_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh I'm busy!_  
_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh Stop telephonin' me!_  
_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh_

"Are you SURE this is what Mister Hothead sent for me?" She asked as she held up the expensive-looking black dress. Cliffjumper chose not to comment and looked back at his computer screen, checking an e-mail from Bumblebee.

_Can call all you want,_  
_but there's no one home,_  
_and you're not gonna reach my telephone!_  
_Out in the club,_  
_and I'm sippin' that bub,_  
_and you're not gonna reach my telephone!_

"Well, you're free to go, suga'..." She took the paper offered by the Autodog before making her way outside, where Sentinel opened the gates for her. Just outside, there was large, black limousine parked and waiting for her.

_Call when you want,_  
_but there's no one home,_  
_and you're not gonna reach my telephone!_  
_Out in the club,_  
_and I'm sippin' that bub,_  
_and you're not gonna reach my telephone!_

"You'll be back soon, you psychotic bitch..." She turned around and stared him straight in the optics. He froze and became very nervous when she gave him one of the sweetest smiles in the world.

"Have a nice day, Sentinel Prime..." He shuddered once she turned around and walked over to the limo. Closing the gate once again, he couldn't hepl but feel a sense of foreboding.

Sandy climbed into the limousine and sat properly, smoothing out the creases in her dress. Hearing the passenger next to her take off his visors, she continued staring at her lap in fear of meeting his angry, red optics.

"Sandra Catheryne Peloez-Castro De las Palmas, you haf been a very bad girl! A very, VERY bad girl, Sandy!" Hothead Blitzwing, one of the largest crime lords in Cybertron, yelled at the girl before taking a swig of his energon.

"Do you know how vorried I vas? Let alone mein brothers!" He gestured to the two sleeping forms across from them. She looked up at him with sad, brown eyes. His glare softened.

"Sorry, Boss... Things got complicated..." She grabbed his cube and drank the last of it, giving him a sweet smile.

"Come on... ve haf a job to do..." She arched an eyebrow in curiosity as he handed her a file. She opened it, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion when she spotted a picture of Astrotrain.

"We're gonna off your ex?" He growled before lighting up a cigar.

"Ja... ve learned he vas stealing some of Megatron's bonds, as vell as being responsible for Thundercracker's imprisonment... Our job is to kill him und his lackeys in his restaurant. You vill be zhe cook... Be creative..." She placed the folder down by her feet and looked back at her boss.

"Are you sure about this, Master?"

"Vhat do you mean am I sure?" She gave him a goofy smirk.

"Well, you know what they say Boss... Once you break some eggs, you gotta make an omelette... Or a cake if you got the right ingredients..." He rolled his optics.

"You know, Sandy... Trust... it's like a mirror... You can fix it if it's broken..." Her lips curled into an evil smile as Random's bright crimson optics locked onto her brown eyes.

"Ja~ But you can still zhe zhe cracks~"

"In zhat bastard's reflection..." Icy always got the last word...

_Boy, the way you blowin' up my phone won't make me leave no faster._  
_Put my coat on faster,_  
_leave my girls no faster._  
_I shoulda left my phone at home,_  
_'cause this is a disaster!_  
_Callin' like a collector -_  
_sorry, I cannot answer!_

Hothead couldn't help but feel small and, for lack of a better term, 'weak' as he made his way to the table Astrotrain was sitting at. It was probably the clothes his brothers insisted he wore, "A distraction," they said. He hadn't worn his low-riding, dark ripped jeans since Primus-knows when with the two black belts with purple and silver studs all over them, and the leather biker jacket felt like it was sealed away in an airtight bag, since it still smelled like the bar he had last been at when he wore it. That bar was turned into a small diner... about five years ago. As much as he didn't want to, he took off his jacket and hung it over his chair, feeling even smaller with only his dark grey button-up shirt with a Fleur decal on the top right. He sat down and gave his ex a friendly smile, while he stabbed him in the optic with a rusty, blunt spoon in his mind as he gave him a flirtatious smirk.

"Hey baby~ What took you so long?" Hothead mentally gagged.

"I'm fine..." He glanced at the other's energon quickly before looking at the wall.

"You know... I've always regretted ever leaving you..." The eldest sibling wished Sandy would hurry up with her plan already...

_Not that I don't like you,_  
_I'm just at a party._  
_And I am sick and tired of my phone r-ringing._  
_Sometimes I feel like I live in Grand Central Station._  
_Tonight I'm not takin' no calls,_  
_'cause I'll be dancin'._

"Tonight I shall create a feast fit for GODS!" Icy stared at the girl in annoyance.

"Just hurry up und get going... ve haf to do zhis very quickly." She glared at him as she mixed the batter for oil cake.

"You can't rush art, Icy..." She grabbed a bottle of poison and mixed the liquid into the mix. "You really shouldn't... Random, how are the platters coming?" They heard a cackle as Random sprinkled the cubes and plates with a strange, white powder.

"Oh, vhen I'm finished, zhese plates vill be to DIE FOR!"

"Bad pun, Random..."

"... To soon, bruder..."

_'Cause I'll be dancin'_  
_'Cause I'll be dancin'_  
_Tonight I'm not takin' no calls, 'cause I'll be dancin'!_

Hothead sighed in relief when he heard Sandy making her way down to their table carrying a tray. He didn't know if he'd be able to withstand anymore begging an pleading from Astrotrain.

"Got your orders~" She sang cutely. Hothead couldn't help but glare at hs ex as he gave her his award-winning smile.

"Thank you, gorgeous. Never thought a cute dog girl like you would be working at a place like this." She smiled, mentally reminding herself he was about to die in a few seconds. She placed their food down before making her way around the restaurant and gave the poisoned food away. Hothead sighed and reached for the honey until it was rudely grabbed by the larger triple-changer. They exchanged a glare before Hothead just backed down and looked around. Astrotrain placed the honey down after drenching all his food with it and began to eat. Hothead just sat there patiently, optics lighting up behind his visors when the triple-changer started choking. Sandy suddenly walked up beside him, watching in delight as Astrotrain coughed up energon before collapsing on the table.

"I knew he'd steal all mein honey... Zhat selfish botslagger..." Sandy just smirked as she looked around at the other bots and humans ate their food. In just a few seconds, the rest of the customers shared the same fate as Astrotrain, coughing up energon (blood, in the humans' case) and collapsed.

_Stop callin', stop callin',_  
_I don't wanna think anymore!_  
_I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor._  
_Stop callin', stop callin',_  
_I don't wanna talk anymore!_  
_I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor._

"Vhat took you so long?" Sandy looked down at her boss, who began to stand up and put on his jacket.

"I was making food, boss..." He just growled and pulled his pants up.

"I had to sit through the whole 'let me take you back' speech and so many flirtations and innuendos I vanted to stab him vith a blunt object... Zhese pants are so low... How did I vear these back then?"

"You vere a slut back then, bruder... You didn't care vhat you vore, as long as it came off easily..."

"Shut up, Icy..."

_Stop callin', stop callin',_  
_I don't wanna think anymore!_  
_I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor._  
_Stop callin', stop callin',_  
_I don't wanna talk anymore!_  
_I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor._

"Did it vork?" Sandy looked behind her and smiled.

"Oh yeah... it was killer~"

"Bad pun, Sandy..."

"Too soon, sveetie..."

_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh Stop telephonin' me!_  
_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh I'm busy!_  
_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh Stop telephonin' me!_  
_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh_

"Guess we should call Megatron and tell him it's done..." Hothead nodded and went to the truck they had switched to earlier. Icy went back into the kitchen to dispose of the poison while Random and Sandy stayed out in the dining area.

"So... should ve do zhe dance scene like in zhe music video?"

"Nah... We're not wearing anything red, white, and/or blue, so... There's no point... Plus, I'm fat..."

_Can call all you want,_  
_but there's no one home,_  
_you're not gonna reach my telephone!_  
_'Cause I'm out in the club,_  
_and I'm sippin' that bub,_  
_and you're not gonna reach my telephone!_

As Random and Sandy debated over the awesomeness of Chuck Norris, they fell silent as the door opened. Sandy turned around and smirked as she saw the look on Sentinel Prime's face. He turned to her, and his optics widened even more.

"Y-you! W-what did you do!" She walked over to him, heels echoing in the silent diner. Random decided to watch the scene in front of him, waiting eagerly for the Autodog's gorey demise.

"Hello Sentinel Prime, sir. Do you recall saying that I was all bark and no bite?" She asked sweetly. He backed up but instead bumped into Hothead, who glared down at him. He took the guard by the shoulder and threw him down onto the floor. Sentinel let out a yelp of pain before trying to scramble onto his feet again.

"P-Please! Don't hurt me!" Hothead looked over to Sandy, who stood still and awaited her order. Deciding to humor her, he walked over to her and unlatched her collar. He smirked.

"Attack." Icy couldn't help but peek out from the kitchen to watch an Elite Guard officer get torn to shreds by a mere dog-girl.

_Call when you want,_  
_but there's no one home,_  
_and you're not gonna reach my telephone!_  
_'Cause I'm out in the club,_  
_and I'm sippin' that bub,_  
_and you're not gonna reach my telephone!_

"Und zhat's vhy you're zhe 'attack dog...'" Random grimaced as he stepped over the bloody remains of Sentinel Prime. Sandy wiped the mechblood off her face as Hothead bandaged up her eye.

"Yeah, but still... He didn't have to stab me in the eye..."

"No vorries, Sandy... Ve'll get to zhe safe house und haf Hook patch you up..."

_My telephone!_  
_M-m-my telephone!_  
_'Cause I'm out in the club,_  
_and I'm sippin' that bub,_  
_and you're not gonna reach my telephone!_

"I'm so hungry..."

"If you vait a little longer, ve can haf a nice, tall cube..."

"I hate energon... I feel like enchiladas~"

"Damn, Sandy... vhy must you be so Mexican?"

"Why must you be so doucheface'd?"

"... Touche..."

_My telephone!_  
_M-m-my telephone!_  
_'Cause I'm out in the club,_  
_and I'm sippin' that bub,_  
_and you're not gonna reach my telephone!_

Megatron sat in his large, comfortable throne-like chair when the group entered his private office.

"I congratulate you all on a job well done. Especially you, Hothead, for setting the fire hot enough to cremate everyone inside. Hopefully, Sentinel's body is burned enough that no one will recognize that he was mauled." Sandy looked away sheepishly at his last statement.

"Yeah... Sorry abou that... He kinda pissed me off back in prison..." Random's ears perked up.

Speaking of vhich... Vhy vere you arrested in zhe first place?" Sandy looked away, scratching the back of her head in embarrassment.

"Well... I inda fell into a big puddle of mud... and I kinda bit an Autodog's finger off..." Megatron raised an optic ridge.

"May I ask who?" She looked away again, biting her lip.

"Um... Longarm..."

_We're sorry the number you have reached is not in service at this time._  
_Please check the number, or try your call again

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Transformers: Animated owned by Hasbro; Telephone owned by Lady Gaga and whichever record company owns the song; Sandy owned by yours truly...


End file.
